the call

Well, Amadon got "the call" today. He's going to Iraq for a year and a half in January. I don't think I've been able to completely process the information. His mom cried. Janessa cried. It's hard but at the same time we have to look at the positives of it. We get base housing allowance, hazard pay, overseas pay, separation pay, and he will get promoted. But it's still war. I don't think anything can really prepare you for that or make you worry any less. I haven't been away from him for more than a night so it's going to be a big adjustment. I have so much going on, too! He's so sad that Adele will be 4 by the time he gets back and he's missing out on that little kid stage with her. I've also had a dream for the last few nights that he was going to get called overseas and die. So yeah, not good timing to have dreams like that.

What else can I really say? We've had a lot of friends go overseas and come back and some have been fine, some have really struggled with PTSD or injuries, and a couple died. I guess all you can really do is pray and hope things will be ok and have faith that it will be. There are so many military wives that go through this and I envy their strength. I'm terrified of having to take care of the kids myself, do foster care myself, figure out how to graduate and do homework myself, cook, clean, take care of house repairs, fix computer bugs, and make big decisions by myself. I know single moms do it all the time. I don't know how they do it. Sleeping in a bed alone, having one less at the dinner table, celebrating birthdays and holidays by myself, it all seems so overwhelming and hard. He won't be here for our wedding anniversary, our daughter's graduation, both birthdays, etc. I know I'm whining and that people suck it up everyday and go through it. I'm hoping somewhere, I can find that same attitude. But it's hard. And all I want to do is be selfish and look at how this affects me, our family, and how worried I am. I want to be sad and cry and think about how unfair it's going to be to go through all this stuff alone and how much I'm going to miss my husband. I haven't yet. I've kinda just sat like a stone with no emotions trying to comprehend it all. But it will hit. I'm waiting for it. I still haven't fully let my dad's death hit me and he died last November. It feels like it was yesterday.