finally found my niche

I am starting my business! I am making handcrafted rosaries and repairing them. I'm also going to make handcrafted glass beads and jewelery. I'm price hunting right now for the different supplies I need. I can't wait to work with glass. It's been a passion of mine since I remember but I never had to chance. And even though I won't be blowing glass, I'll be using a torch to mold beads and shapes and that's a close second. Who knows maybe someday when the kids are grown I can go to glass school. I am so excited to start on this. It's going to be HARD work and I'm trying to prepare myself. For now I'm going to use other people's beads until I learn how to make my own. After that Then I'll design my website and hopefully open up my own little store one day or use part of our (future) house for the store and to teach classes. (gotta have dreams) Wish me luck!

estate headache

Trying to close my dad's estate has just been pure hell and it's going to be about 3 months before it's completed. Sigh. I don't get any life insurance money until February and I have a HUGE lawyer's bill (charges $150 just base pay per hour)I have to pay before then and then the account's fees, and to get the estate taxes filed, etc etc. It's a headache. This of course hits right during Christmas so we don't have a lot of extra financial resources. But I'm sure I'll find a way to make it work.

That being said I also learned that any government assistance that the deceased or the heir have ever used gets filed against the estate. It's not worth it. Medicaid does not cover medial expenses. It is merely a loan that you will pay or your children will pay when you die. It's not a free ride. It's not even state help. You pay every single cent back you have ever had to use. I don't think I will ever use Medicaid ever again unless I absolutely have to because I want to leave my children something. This also accounts for Medicare.

Christmas was nice but I will make a post of that later. Today I've been a bit stressed but I worked out and it blew off some steam.

I've been working on a children's book and I'm going to make a craft store. Trying to stay busy.

a mystery

Today, we had quite the odd thing happen. There was a knock on the door during lunch when Amadon was home, so he answered it. A guy that seemed familiar to him handed him an envelope and told him that someone had asked him to give it to us. It was just a plain white envelope with his name typed on the outside. We opened it and there was a $50 gift certificate to Hugo's. We tried to catch the guy to find out who gave this to us but it was too late. So we thought of every single person we could have and we're stumped. The other odd thing is that the typing was done by a typewriter. Who even has one of those anymore that we know? It was very kind, generous, and we are grateful.

no one is home anymore

"Nobody's Home" by Avril Lavigne

I couldn't tell you why she felt that way, She felt it everyday.
And I couldn't help her, I just watched her make the same mistakes again.
What's wrong, what's wrong now?
Too many, too many problems.
Don't know where she belongs, where she belongs.
She wants to go home, but nobody's home.
It's where she lies, broken inside.
With no place to go, no place to go to dry her eyes.
Broken inside.
Open your eyes and look outside, find the reasons why.
You've been rejected, and now you can't find what you left behind.
Be strong, be strong now.
Too many, too many problems.
Don't know where she belongs, where she belongs.
She wants to go home, but nobody's home.
It's where she lies, broken inside.
With no place to go, no place to go to dry her eyes.
Broken inside.
Her feelings she hides.
Her dreams she can't find.
She's losing her mind.
She's fallen behind.
She can't find her place.
She's losing her faith.
She's fallen from grace.
She's all over the place.
Yeah,ohShe wants to go home, but nobody's home.
It's where she lies, broken inside.
With no place to go, no place to go to dry her eyes.
Broken inside.
She's lost inside, lost inside...oh ohShe's lost inside, lost inside...oh oh yeah

Anger seeps into my soul
there is no longer rest
rage becomes my cocktail
my only thirst to quench

cookie monster

Today, I am attempting to make a turkey. I have never made one. The idea of having to take out the neak and giblets frightens me. I am making one from a frozen state. I read some recipes online for it so we'll see if it works. I'm also making pumpkin pie, scalloped potatoes, pistachio fluff, and green bean casserole. it feels like thanksgiving. But I'm going to be gone for a week so I thought it would be nice to have some good leftovers in the house. Nothing beats thanksgiving leftovers.

I have been trying to do some Christmas shopping and to no avail. I haven't bought one thing. Nope. nothing. Nadda. I just can't find anything I want to order for people. We still haven't decided about the tree. It might be nice to get a big scraggly looking one towards the end of this month and put real candles on it. But considering the baby I think we might wait a couple of years.

I made sugar cookies from scratch yesterday. It's just sooo much work for about 20 cookies. But at least it keeps me occupied. However, I'm thinking hitting the treadmill is a much better idea then learning how to make stuff from scratch everyday. I don't think this is the healthiest hobby to have right now.

I'm going to attempt to make an advent wreath today.I found a neat book about dinnertime prayers. I always use the standard one I learned from school and I'm not creative enough to make a good one of my own. But I'm also cheap. In fact I think this naming masses business for $5 a service that people do after funerals is kind of a nasty way to make money. I'm sorry. I get that it's for a good cause but the idea of getting money out of people that are grieving just doesn't seem right to me. You should never, ever have to pay for a prayer or blessing or mass to be said for someone. That seems so wrong. Nor is all this "christian" merchandise that people must be making a fortune on. To take advantage of people like that. I won't tell you what I hope those people that are profiting off of this get.

I think I'm going to go accomplish the wonderful task of paying bills and cleaning. At least that will be one less thing to worry about.

change of perspective

I guess when you lose one of the most important people in your life it really makes you look at life differently. Small, petty things don't matter. Material goods hold no merit. You see your own mortality and of those around you. I wish I could go back and know everything I know now and change anything I need to change. I wish I could have seen the things that were trully important and hold on to those things. But I know I can't. However, people learn from their mistakes. I think I hold on too tightly to hurt and anger. I think it makes me blind at times. And that's no way to go through life. I have finally embraced my faith after years of doubt and scientific reasoning. I saw signs. Nothing big. Just little things. And enough of them to ease my heart and sorrow and put my faith in God. I know how it sounds. I use to be on that other end. It's something you can't explain. I wish I could.

When I saw my father for the first time he looked so cold. It wasn't him. He looked exactly like a cold, dead, corspe. Nothing more. Nothing less. I screamed. I went into shock. I ran out of there and sat in a chair and stared into nothingness. nothingness became dark. Just a dark place with no sounds, no feeling, just nothing. I guess I stayed in the same posistion for a long time. I drooled. My eyes were glassed over. It was horribly embarassing when I heard about it. To have other people mourn around you and know you weren't strong enough to share grief in the same way. To look like a young girl screaming for her father, not knowing any better, even making a scene in a way. I guess you never know how you react. I was able to make a speech at the rosary. It was the most heartfelt speech I ever made and I didn't cry. In fact I was happy that my father was at peace. Again I can't explain. Everyday is hard. It's hard to do anything that's normal. But maybe that's how it should be.

I had people reach out to me at my father's funeral that I never imagined would. I wish I could have come up with something better than thank you. I wish I could have had the words to make all the pain of the past go away. I wish I could have done something, anything other than just stand a distance away, awkard.

I have to close up my father's estate this week. I'm dreading it. It just seems so awful to even have to think about something so unimportant. It's just material things. But it also needs to be done. I guess somewhere I have to find strength and just keep going on.