change of perspective

I guess when you lose one of the most important people in your life it really makes you look at life differently. Small, petty things don't matter. Material goods hold no merit. You see your own mortality and of those around you. I wish I could go back and know everything I know now and change anything I need to change. I wish I could have seen the things that were trully important and hold on to those things. But I know I can't. However, people learn from their mistakes. I think I hold on too tightly to hurt and anger. I think it makes me blind at times. And that's no way to go through life. I have finally embraced my faith after years of doubt and scientific reasoning. I saw signs. Nothing big. Just little things. And enough of them to ease my heart and sorrow and put my faith in God. I know how it sounds. I use to be on that other end. It's something you can't explain. I wish I could.

When I saw my father for the first time he looked so cold. It wasn't him. He looked exactly like a cold, dead, corspe. Nothing more. Nothing less. I screamed. I went into shock. I ran out of there and sat in a chair and stared into nothingness. nothingness became dark. Just a dark place with no sounds, no feeling, just nothing. I guess I stayed in the same posistion for a long time. I drooled. My eyes were glassed over. It was horribly embarassing when I heard about it. To have other people mourn around you and know you weren't strong enough to share grief in the same way. To look like a young girl screaming for her father, not knowing any better, even making a scene in a way. I guess you never know how you react. I was able to make a speech at the rosary. It was the most heartfelt speech I ever made and I didn't cry. In fact I was happy that my father was at peace. Again I can't explain. Everyday is hard. It's hard to do anything that's normal. But maybe that's how it should be.

I had people reach out to me at my father's funeral that I never imagined would. I wish I could have come up with something better than thank you. I wish I could have had the words to make all the pain of the past go away. I wish I could have done something, anything other than just stand a distance away, awkard.

I have to close up my father's estate this week. I'm dreading it. It just seems so awful to even have to think about something so unimportant. It's just material things. But it also needs to be done. I guess somewhere I have to find strength and just keep going on.