venting and observation

One of our vehicles broke down- bad alternator. So, Amadon's been driving the other one and it's been driving me nuts because I can't go anywhere or get errands run. He's had CPR certification at night. Well, we should get our placement soon. I'm getting excited and nervous at the same time. I knew foster care was controversial but I had no idea of the type of comments I would get doing it. I will give you a few examples. I won't give names but these people are in good standing with the community,educated, some we know very well, and others not so much and no none of these are from Samantha (she's in full support of me) or any other people that are reading this blog. I just wanted to point that out before rumors started.

them- "How can you be so irresponsible and horrible to your own children to bring in one of....those, they're hellions, they'll wreck your lives, shame on you."

us- "what do you they do?"

them- "well one of....those....would be fine in school and then come home and pee himself. And spanking him didn't help. How dare he!"

us- "well, we learned in school that a lot of times if they pee themselves it's a defense mechanism from being molested or abused and it will stop when they feel safe."

them- just kinda huffed off and muttered to themselves

what I'm thinking- well, no shit spanking a child that was molested and abused for peeing when he's not intentionally doing it would cause the cycle to continue. And no, he's not a BAD, horrible child. He just needs to feel safe. Sigh. Would you spank your own kids if they had an accident or is it just because they are a foster child, so they're already bad.

next example

someone else talking about how we're crazy and bad people for doing this and how you should never bring such problems in your own home, a little in the conversation we posed this question

us- "well what about a 5 year old girl that gets molested everyday by her father, doesn't she deserve a safe home to go to?"

them- "no, why would you bring a damaged problematic child like that in your home. What would everyone think?!"

what I'm thinking- this one made me angry. So if you did nothing wrong and got raped, molested, or sexually abused you are not allowed love? Where should these children go? You just want to let it go on and not talk about it so it doesn't ruin your white picket fence ideal?! Not to mention, I'm sure almost anyone can count themselves or a friend who's had something like this happen, and I bet they're pretty nice stable people who don't turn everything upside down and deserve to be hated...Grrr

another conversation

them- "oh my GOD! You're actually going to do that. What the hell are you thinking. You have no idea how horrible these children are. I have an example for you."

us- "ok, what was your experience"

them- "well, my friend was doing foster care and her kid would just eat and eat and eat at dinner and even threw up because he ate so much and so fast! Why the hell, would you ever let a child like that in your house. Imagine what you're doing to your own kids."

us-" ?...pause....was the child neglected and not fed?"

them-" yeah, so, not like that's our problem:

us- "that's probably why he ate so much, he's not use to having food so when he gets it, he will eat as much as possible, cuz he's not sure when his next meal will come, I would probably do the same thing"

them- gives us dirty look and talks about how you shouldn't have to put up with that in the first place

what I'm thinking- I bet if I let you starve for a few weeks and put food in front of you, you scarf it down and it's not like this is something that won't fix itself when it's been proven there's food available. And what a selfish idiot. They're children for God's sake.

So, yeah. I mean I understand that sometimes people can get really difficult placements were the child might even steal or be violent. But there are sooo many kids in foster care for so many reasons and I don't think it's fair to lump them all together in the category that they're awful, horrible, don't deserve love or a future. These were just a few examples. Another one, was a lady that was babysitting a foster child and she spanked the child for putting cigarette butts in a dart gun, after the darts ran out that he saw lying around, and got the wall dirty. He went to the kitchen and grabbed a spatula, told her to hit him with this because it would hurt more. And that was it. And this was her example of just a horrible, awful, child who doesn't deserve a home. To me, he seems like a bored kid who found something to entertain himself (and if you were watching him, why were the cig butts around by him, and wouldn't you see him try to load one?). He didn't think he was doing anything wrong and when you got mad he found you something to hit him harder with. And where in the world did you get the idea that it's ok, to spank a child that you're babysitting for something like that. For some reason spanking an abused child just doesnt' seem like a good idea, thus the spatula incidence. Yeah, it's hard to think about the idea that someone else was beating him with kitchen utensils but that doesn't mean this kid doesn't deserve a home. Couldn't you have made him clean the walls and taken away tv time? It just doesnt' seem fair to me. It really doesn't.

I don't always believe in how the social worker and foster care system works. I think it has flaws. I do think there are some kids that shouldn't be placed with just anybody because of their behavior and maybe they need an institution setting. But I don't believe these kids don't deserve homes, love, or parents, just because they weren't taught the same skills that we're use to. Maybe they never learned how to shower correctly because no one taught them. Maybe they have bad manners at the dinner time cuz they never got food. Maybe, if they were molested in a bathroom everyday, they have problems going by themselves, or without a lock, or having a light on and making sure no one is in there to hurt them. And you know what. That doesn't bother me. And this behavior will change in time. And even if it doesn't change perfectly, and we have to compromise a bit, it's not enough for me to kick these kids out of my home. And sometimes I don't think they act up because they're awful, foster kids but because they're kids. Yup, kids. And kids aren't perfect. They make mistakes. I never really knew how people looked down on foster care until I started thinking about doing it. I have the time, the space and the heart to do it. No, it's not for everybody. No, you're not a bad person if you don't do it. That's not what I'm saying at all. And yeah, it might be unconventional to love kids and give them a home that aren't biologically yours. But I don't think that makes me a bad person. I don't think I'm crazy and hurting my kids. I think it will be good for them. You get to know a lot about the placement (at least in the agency I'm doing, there are so many different types of foster care that you can't really group that together either), you get a trial period to see if it will work, you can give them back at any hour if something happens or even if you just decide it's not for you. You might have kids for weeks, months, years, or even adopt them. Each kid has a different story and circumstance. For myself, I'm doing long term foster care and open to possible adoption. I don't have a specific age or gender I want. I just want whatever child would best fit into my family. And they look at that and help you decide. They don't allow placements that could have the potential to hurt your kids in anyway. Kids with anger and aggression issues will not be placed with a baby. they will be placed with people that have the training and home for a situation like that. I don't. And yeah, maybe I'll get a kid that looks great on paper but doesn't work for our home. Maybe there are some problems that can't be solved. Will, I think all foster kids are horrible? No. I'll just think that one placement didn't work. Maybe, I'll decide that foster care takes too much work or I don't have enough time. I haven't done it so I don't know. But I do think, no matter what happens that these kids deserve to have people give them a chance, and that they should be judged just like any other kid for what they do, and not have this preceding reputation of a bad kid even if they didn't do anything wrong. I think they deserve a chance at a future and finding people that love them. I don't think a family is defined by being biological. I think it's defined by love. And I hope to teach my kids those values. So maybe when they're in school and they see that kid wear the same clothes all week long it isn't because they're stinky and bad. It's because they don't have parents that take care of them and they won't jump in with the teasing that every other child will give them.

And there is NO such thing as a damaged child. People aren't toys that don't work anymore when they have something bad happen to them. You are not any less of a human being if you were sexually, emotionally, of physcially abused. And yes, I do believe that with all my heart. And maybe I am crazy for thinking that. Maybe, it isn't mainstream. But that's ok. Sometimes you need to just go for what you believe in even if no one else feels the same way.